... I just wanted to note that I am feeling extra incompetent today. This is a perfectly foolish feeling, objectively. My grown up brain knows this is all in my head, but my infant brain, the psychic equialent of the lizard brain underneath all the folded gray stuff, stumbled on the pulpit steps today. What looked so good and sure on paper unraveled in the delivery. Years ago I would have gotten scared and truly stumbled. But now I am more adept and do not actually fall down as much.
The problem is that this whole preaching thing is useless when it comes to telling the real truth. This morning what was in me could not be said because it was inexpressible. I thought it was expressible. It sure looked that way when I read it this morning.
Then, as the words became sounds, the hollowness of them was unmistakable. The argument felt thin and cardboard flat, and all I could do was tell them I could not find the right words.
One of my readings was from Job, the conclusion where Job falls on his knees and apologizes for his arrogance in demanding an explanation from God. "I melt away to nothing" is the sense of the text. That's how I felt.
At the end of the day, pondering that story, I wonder if that's not more honest than the typical sermon with its pretense at wisdom. Perhaps I should be willing to feel like this more often.